Should we talk about Climate Change to others?

But how? How about listening?

“Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart”….Proverbs 3:3

We are going to do something different this time in our blog. I am going to do book reviews on three books, due to Carol Lehman’s advice.  These books talk about how to communicate with others, especially on difficult or touchy subjects.  You might have friends or family members, like I do, who told me that climate change is a hoax; it is fake news. How do I respond to this? Do I just go on to the next subject? Are there good questions I can ask?  Although I have spent significant time going to workshops and reading books on how to communicate with others, I still struggle with this. One of my defaults is just to avoid the subject if I think someone will get mad or not listen to me.  I really want to get better with talking and listening.

The first book I want to review is High Conflict, by Amanda Ripley.  I was introduced to this book when listening to a webinar by MCC about how to talk to others about climate change.  The speaker started the talk by stating that most of her comments would come from this book. Yeah, my library had the book. I thought the book was excellent and so was the webinar.  The book gives great advice and interesting stories from around the country and the world about people in conflict. (I could talk on and on about it.)  Ripley is not saying all conflict is bad, but how we handle it can lead to ongoing conflict and the end of relationships.

Here are ways to recognize good and high conflict:

Good                                                                                  Bad (or High)

1. Humility                                                                1. Certainty

2. Fluidity                                                                  2. Rigidity

3. Many different emotions                                       3. Same emotion

4. Complexity                                                           4. Simplicity

5. Novelty                                                                  5. Predictability

6. Passion                                                                  6.  Righteousness

7. Spikes in stress hormones                               7.  Chronic stress hormones ruminations,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

8. Curiosity                                                               8. Assumptions

9. Questions                                                            9. Advocacy

10. All sides want a solution                                     10. One or all sides don’t want a solution

11. Feelings of sadness when bad things happen   11. Feelings of happiness when bad things happen to the other side                                things happen to the other side                                                      

12. Non-zero thinking                                           12. Zero sum thinking

13. Violence unlikely                                                   13. Violence more likely

Then Ripley gives us eleven questions to ask ourselves. If we answer 5 or more yes, we may be in high conflict.  She then has 8 questions we can ask the other side, such as – could you tell me more?

Here are some final thoughts she gives us:

When people don’t talk about their differences, they miss the opportunity to be stretched – intellectually and emotionally - and to come out the other side stronger and wiser.

Here are some guardrails Ripley gives us to prevent high conflict:

1. Reduce the binary

2. Marginalize the fire starters – a. group identity, b. conflict entrepreneurs, c. humiliating or shaming, d. corruption

3. Investigate the understory – what is beneath the surface

4. Cultivate curiosity

Conflict resilience requires perpetual maintenance. Learn to tolerate the tension.

I hope this is enough to make you want to read it.

Well, after all the great information I received from High Conflict, you would think I wouldn’t need to read any more books about communication. But then I saw Loretta Ross being interviewed on PBS about her new book called Calling In.  Lucky for me, my library had already ordered it.  This book is about calling yourself and others in – to listen and discuss instead of calling someone out such as is often done on social media or politics. (It can feel good to call someone out and make them feel bad – at least for  a while  - but it usually doesn’t get you anywhere.  At least, that is what I think.) Ross says “We can say what we mean and mean what we say, but we don’t have to say it mean”.

She tells us when a callout may be appropriate such as when other means of recourse have failed or are inaccessible. She discusses 7 stages of call-outs, predictable responses to a call-out, and 3 types of call-outs that are destructive.

Ross goes on to discuss call-ins. She states calling-in should start with yourself.  We are to look at what hurts our  ability to help, and then look at  what we should cultivate, such as forgiveness and patience.

Ross describes the techniques of calling -in such as leading with love. No one wants to be lectured at, even in a patient tone.

Ross also suggests that many instances of harm are simply a matter of bad  kindness, and then gives us advice on how to create a call-in culture in organizations, in families and friends, and when to call it off. She describes redemption after a call-in, how to acknowledge the harm, how to apologize, and how to prevent future harm.

If someone is upset or is mad at you –

1. First ask what you did wrong

2. Then thank the person for bringing the matter to your attention right away.

3. Then you might want to say “I’m sorry I hurt you. Do you have time to help me understand?”

4. You might need to ask them about their hurts and needs.

5. Explore how to make amends. You might invite in a trusted person to help.

The last book I could recommend is Hope for the Cynic, by Dr. Jamil Zali. It confirms many of the same points as the other two books. I can be a cynic at times so this book was also helpful to me.

There are 3 questions to test if you are a cynic.

1. No one cares much about what happens to me.

2. Most people dislike helping others

3. Most people are honest chiefly due to fear of being caught.

He describes how someone can become a cynic, what a cynic might look like and does. He describes how the media could report news that would decrease our negative views. It is called “assist-framing” and doing solution stories instead of “problem focused” stories. He also encourages us to be someone nourishing media by balancing a negative conversation with stories of kindness and honesty we have witnessed. He finishes with telling us how to be a good disagreer.

I think all these books are worth reading. I hope I have convinced you to read at least one of them.  They can help you communicate with others about the climate or about other conflicts or disagreements you may have.  I think our church would benefit from them in strengthening our ability to communicate with each other.  Maybe  we might not have people leaving the church because we disagree.  I know I could do better. I might not gossip so much. I get drawn into it so easily.  I might be able to speak up better and not be silent.